White Claws are just Four Loko’s that went to private school. Aren’t we all trying to keep up a white claw appearance on the outside when inside, we know we’re a four loko? Only if you have a lot of visible tattoos and blackout regularly in front of your parents are you a beautiful four loko inside and out.

People say to me you look like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. I never understood this insult, who didn’t grow up with a few silver spoons in the silverware drawer? And why are we targeting plastic straws when its plastic spoons that are causing the real cultural divide in America? Is the anti-plastic movement so self-aware that promoters of no plastic don’t want to be identified as silver-spooned coastal elites?

The McFlurry is the only fast-food item with the balls to combine both spoon and straw, but the spoon straw is more spoon then straw. When you need it to do straw things, it’s a guaranteed brain freeze and a more laborious sucking process then working as a staffer for Bill Clinton.

Dollar Dollar Bill Yall

People also say the dollar is too strong right now. I went to the vending machine today and Lays Potato Chips were $1.25. These are regular Lays, not baked Lays or wavy Lays. If a strong dollar can’t buy Lays, how is it going to hold up in a pants pocket in the washing machine?

A strong dollar should mean I can tip $1 on two alcoholic beverages. That way, after I buy a girl a drink I can say “Dollar? Hardly knew her!”

Food Joke of the Week

Since most of my content comes from the back of Trader Joe’s frozen foods packages, this is a possible new segment:

All the time, Black Jesus. Dodge those taxes. You can’t taste the 4 cent savings, but your wallet can. Looking forward to the collaboration track from Black Jesus and the rapper Young Chicken on the art of frozen chicken savings and how to get the most out of breasts and thighs.

Sports!

August 22 is dog night at Oriole Park at Camden Yards and dogs can get in for $10. That is not even a good deal. I can get in for $6 with pretty much no effort. Hot dogs are $8.50 these days, does that mean your dog isn’t hot if he has to pay full price?

I’m relieved about this price discrimination, as it’s becoming more clear where dogs stand in the 2019 power rankings compared to men. Us guys know women stare at dogs the way we stare at them. I’ll leave it there because people have died, for good reason, making fun of dogs on the internet. It’s not a good tree to piss on. I’m gonna go to the game in case PETA is there to attack these ticket prices or our illustrious hot dog race, which I will defend from unnecessary NGO scrutiny with vigor. Go mustard.

When I was younger, I wanted to coach sports. Then I got to college and met NCAA athletes who really wanted to coach sports, so I settled for coaching the geese by my office.

I called the geese ducks at first because they were soft, but soon enough they grew into legitimate alpha predators who attacked on eye contact and shat wherever they wanted to. The geese became an unstoppable force who terrorized beta office workers that dared to walk by their pond.

Though the geese never learned the difference between a buttonhook and a slant, the kids at the nearby elementary school and their science teacher who heard me screaming plays at birds certainly did. The school kids all thought I was a little four loko, but I was just letting them know at a young age what working in an office can do for your mental health.

I brought a four loko or three to practice because my fresh soph high school football coaches were more effective when lit (thanks coach Julius). What of it? Can’t coach after a few chardonnays?

I was doing what any young, want the players to think I’m cool coach would’ve done and bought the underage geese drinks after a good Friday practice. They don’t return my texts anymore, but I know they still quack about how much cooler Jack was than their other coaches.

Jokes In Progress

They’re all in progress. Everything that’s been in the Wack Crowens report over the past 10 weeks is 83% true, including this sentence. Why am I still doing this? Please send possible answers.

I did three sets Thursday – Saturday. Worst joke was my attempt to set up Week 8’s Cheif Executive Officer vs Cheif Standing Bear by saying “Is anyone here a Native American?” There were crickets, for obvious reasons. Talks Over Crickets was my Indian name that day.

We were supposed to do new material for that set, so we all kinda bombed. Next set is Tuesday March 8 @ 1919 and maybe this Friday idk don’t make me do stuff.

-Wack Crowens