Can we take a second to applaud cauliflower and cauliflower’s agent? This agent is like “I got you masquerading as a potato at Trader Joe’s, you’re in four soups at Whole Foods, and McDonalds is interested in you for a role as cheese.” This is the finest work getting a food on shelves since Cranberry slept with every other juice in the mid-2000s.

Mystery Flood

Everyone loves a good mystery. Why’s that murdered guy floating in the river? Who stole the provolone from Something Natural? Why was John Delaney at the debates?

I got stuck in an Uber during an unpredicted flood yesterday. It turned out to be an Uber pool, because apparently all Ubers in floods become Uber pools. I was going to see a house, but the landlord was late so I waited in the rain by a tree that had collapsed on top of three cars. I was sopping wet when I got in the house and wasn’t listening when the guy was explaining the lease, but I’m pretty sure he’s making me buy the house. He worked at the genius bar, and I caused substantial water damage, so by Apple Store rules I’m on the hook for the whole thing.

Shoutout to the scriber who offered me a pair of her sweatpants after my tour, that made my day. I never thought a rainbow would piss me off, but this rainbow on my way home felt like a better to get pissed off than pissed on act by the weather gods. Local crime reporters agree.

Side note: Just like how Rainbows are still called flip-flops, all sandals with velcro straps are also called Tevas. Even if they’re new age and cool, they’re Tevas. You wouldn’t call a plant-based, sustainable tissue anything but a Kleenex. Maybe a Greenex. That idea is free, I don’t want it either.

Credit Score Hack Crowens

Jeopardy calls the credit score a measure of how well you pay your bills. I had to get a credit report and got three different numbers from Transunion, FICO, and Equifax. Equifax thinks I’m excellent at paying my bills while Transunion only thinks I’m good. Of course, Equifax had that hack and a number of social security numbers were exposed, so they have a low bar for this kind of thing. “It was only a few socials” according to an Equifax spokesperson. The same spokesperson emailed me today saying I’m the greatest bill payer of all time.

Does anyone else have an Aunt who keeps getting hacked? With their late entry into the Facebook game and general interest in reconnecting after many missed childhood milestones, Aunts must be layup targets for Russian hackers.

Bird Story

A scriber has a pet parrot and her dad is an on-call orthopedic surgeon. So when he’d get called at home to come in for an emergency knee surgery, he’d say “fuck that, not going in.” The parrot picked this up, until one day he got out of his cage. When they went to look for him, they could hear a voice in the trees say “fuck that, not going in” and they found him shortly after. Find my iPhone would be a whole lot easier if there was a parrot mode.

Jokes In Progress

People say you only get one chance at a first impression. The nice thing then about not remembering people’s names is you’re giving them a second chance. I like to give people at least five opportunities at a first impression. When they call me out for having met them “like 10 times”, I just say “Well you kinda sucked the first few times, so I thought you’d wanna another chance at that first impression.”

I’ve always been jealous of maternity leave, which is why I’d like to propose “dudeternity leave.” Though I’d do pretty much anything for 10 weeks of paid leave, this is not paternity leave, its eternity leave. You wander around whatever destinations you like slugging white claws and hitting on girls until you find a keeper and return to work without the distraction looming over your head. Girls are more than welcome to participate. My tour could start any day now. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

You may have heard of this feral hog phenomenon:

This blew up in spite of Pumba’s stardom in Lion King. Not sure why an Arkansas guy directed this at a chill but sober Americana singer in Jason Isbell when Ted Nugent is still alive. Also seems like a job easily handled by early-90’s redskins fans.

I’m late today because my attempt to send this via the app at work led to me selecting all and pasting over everything. The app doesn’t have an undo button so here we are in the late evening. Will definitely happen again, so let me know of your disappointment or relief that I was taking a hiatus.

Identity crisis coming tomorrow - when I’m at the Ravens first preseason game though I accidentally signed up for a comedy showcase @ the Crown in Baltimore 9 p.m. August 8.

Pray for me and my love of marginal athletic and standup competition.

Until next week,

Wack Crowens