Mar 1, 2021

You’ve heard of a Thanksgiving sandwich,

but have you heard of a thanksgiving taco? All we men want to do in this world is to put our stuffing in a taco. A drumstick fits perfectly in a soft taco, right you guys? A little gravy at the end to top it off, you guys?

When you’re a little low on new material, you end up in a place some comics call “dick joke island,” a safe-haven of sorts where you essentially play the famed middle school study hall time passer known as the penis game. Most audiences connect with it. “When in doubt, shout it out” a frequent visitor of the island once told me.

Fair warning, this is a newsletter version of my trips to the island. Also, I may be in love:

Middle School’s Big Conversations

When I was in middle school, I didn’t want to talk to my parents about drugs. Instead, I played songs with the drugs I was curious about in the song title very loud in hopes to get a reaction from my mom.

Eric Clapton’s Cocaine caused a “what the hell are you listening to up there?” The Velvet Underground’s *Heroin *caused a similar “no more 70’s music, what are you, Andy Warhol? TURN THAT SHIT OFF!” No reaction to Cypress Hill’s Hits from the Bong, though.

If you couldn’t tell from most things about me, I’m a big hummus eater. A big hummus eater wasn’t a bad thing to be until I found out that hummus is loaded with estrogen. My tits have popped, I’m moody, get into wine and gossip most nights. Am likely to join a dancing with the stars conversation at any turn and I can’t get enough of that chickpea tahini combo.

Canceling LinkedIn

I’ve been lying on my resume, and it turns out its a pretty bad pillow. Wasn’t helping me get a job either, but it did lead to this newsletter. Yes, this is the result of me applying to a LinkedIn job where MailChimp was a required skill and I thought, I probably know how to do that.

Do you ever leave your credit card at a bar because you know you have subscriptions ending and you don’t think you’ll remember to cancel them yourself, so you just cancel your card and let the subscriptions try to charge you and watch them fail? Me too. It’s nice, and I’m looking forward to doing it to LinkedIn. LinkedIn Premium gives you more chances to Easy Apply, but no one wants to hire someone who Easy Applied. That’s like proposing to someone who matches with you on Bumble or getting 711 taquitos for dinner on your way home because it’s on the way. The guy who easy applied expected an easy interview and an easy job. Nothing comes easy in this world LinkedIn. You’re a factory of lies.

I started a new job on Monday and it’s better than my old job. One of the ways they tracked my performance at the old job was measuring the time between clicks. They called this space “idle time”, so I spent my last two weeks aimlessly clicking between work and mock fantasy football drafts. I was clicking that mouse more than a divorcee who couldn’t find her vibrator.

Checking in on Jack’s Game

A girl approached me on Monday with a clipboard asking if I loved animals, so I said yeah I’m into animals. Then she gave me a spiel about poachers killing off elephants over the next 20 years, and I wasn’t listening but said “If you let me take you to dinner, I will sign your petition.” To which she said “I’m only into guys with tusks and huge trunks.” It wasn’t a yes, and I’m now donating $10.00 a month to African elephants, but this is a win considering my recent endeavors. Unfortunately, her name on the card says elephant girl, and the email address is a customer support email.

Jokes In Progress

I needed a haircut for my new job, so I went on Sunday during Djokovic and Federer’s Wimbledon Final. Y’all fux with tennis? Well if you try to watch tennis during a haircut, your barber will think you have a nervous tick and you’ll end up with a Will Byers Stranger Things Bowl Cut.

My childhood barber was packed so I went to Floyd’s across the street. These Floyds barbers aren’t barbers but instead are hairstylists. They all have imaginative non-traditional color hairstyles and opinions on VH1’s best of the 80’s documentaries. My hairstylist was cool despite the bowl cut. She liked Take on Me and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. And she only had three neck tattoos.

Here’s to hoping I’ll keep this up til I look like the Michael Caine persona I got from FaceApp. This is actually what most of the men at the music open mic I went to with my comic friend Mike G on Monday looked like:

It’s this look or a Sam Elliott from Big Lebowski look. We’ve got some new scribers, everything is on the blog @ comedycrow.com but for those who want to get caught up:

Until next week (unless I take a week 7 bye).