Why am I still doing this?

It’s been three weeks, you may be wondering, isn’t that enough? Hasn’t he gotten his creative fix already? Is he losing his mind just in time for another Fourth of July fiasco?

Well, fam, I’m doing pretty well right now. I have an electric toothbrush. Talk about making it big, an electric toothbrush is a sure sign you’re about to pay off your student loans. If you told me I’d have an electric toothbrush ten years ago I’d have said no way. Not this guy. What do I wear a suit to work too? Do I get haircuts at reasonable intervals? Do I actually not live with my mom?

Many of these questions and some past fiasco recaps were discussed in last night’s set which you can listen to at comedycrow.com. Shout out to Kev Dawg and Big Shane for attending.

Quick Stats

• Pre-set beers: 2
• Spot: 5th
• New Comic Friends: 3
• Bad Jokes: Several

I bought my electric brush off an Instagram ad. I buy an embarrassing amount of Instagram products. Posture correctors, eczema honey jars, $5.00 sunglasses. Just a minute ago I bought this shirt:

I call shirts like these danger shirts because when I wear them out I get more compliments then I’m used to, drink more then I’m able to, and blackout really hard. If no one says anything, I’ll drink even more and blackout even harder. Hammering the under on five good wears of this shirt. It’s too much shirt for me, so if you want to borrow it let me know its an L.

Checking In On Jack’s Game

One time in college I was trying to get laid so I sent a bunch of “what’re you up to tonight” texts to all the recent unnamed contacts in my phone. One of them was my advisor, and she responded by saying “Jack, delete my number and never contact me again.”

So I was rattled, and I said “look, advisor, I’m just trying to get the hold off my account so I can sign up for classes.”

30 minutes later she said, “Looks like your gonna be holding your dick in summer school pal.” She was a bitch, but I can only blame her for a small part of my mid-2’s undergrad GPA. It’s unlistable on job applications but some interviewers think its kinda chill and just ask you about sports and other topics that don’t help you get hired.

Grocery Store Samaritan

It’s impossible to be a good Samaritan at the grocery store. I tried to close an empty cherry tomatoes box once and when I walked away thinking I had successfully closed the box it popped open. I looked back to check and this woman glared at me as if I cheated in Scrabble. She saw me two more times in the store near spilled cheerios and an empty basket of free sample pretzels and points to the manager and goes “him! he’s the one!” Then a manager be-lines it for me in the frozen food section when I’m trying to escape and he forces me to buy 30 copies of National Enquirer. “No one buys these,” says the manager, “but this is for fucking up my cherry tomatoes.”

So now I can’t go to the Trader Joe’s in Reisterstown for the next three weeks.

Jokes in Progress

I live in the county, where there isn’t much crime outside of landscaping turf wars. If you trim your neighbor’s hedge or put up a fence that’s higher than the neighborhood fence limits all the sudden Kathy from the neighborhood association leaves a few post-it notes in your mailbox. You can’t just be like “fuck off, Kathy,” she’ll come back with her landscaping crew, find out when you’re at home and have them weedwack the whole lawn for three hours. She’ll let her dog start shitting in your recycling bin. Kathy knows how to make neighbors move out of the neighborhood it’s her passion.

I’m wanting to buy a dog, but I’m not sure I’m ready yet so I tried raising a tree. I rescued it from my parent’s hedge, it’s a Norweigan Maple Tree I named Leif Erikson. Leif is two years old now, so I’m officially a better tree owner than French President Emmanuel Macron who let the friendship tree Trump gave him a year ago die in June. It was the most bowls thing Donald ever did and proof the French can’t take care of their own bush.

Wrapping It Up

Have a safe, happy, and traffic-free fourth team. I don’t have any confirmed dates coming up but will have a best-of set in next week’s letter. Send blog feedback or other ideas by text or email and sign your friends up for the letter.