Happy Wednesday subscribers. Hope you’re having a better week than Pacific Gas & Electric. They filed for bankruptcy in January and paid out $1 billion dollar wildfire lawsuits to California this week.

It’s a similar payout to me selling my Dad’s vinyl record collection in summer 2012 to pay probation fees. The record store guy called my Dad’s Cosmo’s Factory album damaged and unsellable well so is your ’97 Corolla Dmitri who works at Towson Tape Traders. Get a new car, pal.

Speaking of Dad, hope everyone got some good dad jokes in this father’s day. Our staff Dad, Buck Crowalter, offered his favorite:

Three years ago, the team doctor said I was going deaf. I haven’t heard from him since. How do vegans handle the pregame prayer? Lettuce pray.

Charity Parody

I’d like to start a charity called “United Chay” where donations go toward keg parties, weeknight bar tabs, and bachelor & bachelorette parties. No one needs more support this summer than the nation’s alcoholics, and this could be a great way for NFL fine money to go back to fans. The Chase Sapphire card I continue to leave at bars is proof that two credit card me needs oversight. Since you can’t spell Chase without Chay, we are sure to get some early interest from corporate sponsors.

Throwback Show

At a film festival this week that my YouTube submission didn’t make the cut for, so the whitest response would be to film myself making a movie about a guy who doesn’t get into film festivals but goes to the showcase films anyway for $28 each.

Here’s a throwback set from April 23 in Fells Point. One of my slower starts at 1919 is painful early, but if you can stick it out to the Harry Caray impression around 4:09 it might be worth it.

Jokes in Progress

When I was six, I wanted to be a barber, so I gave my then four-year-old sister one of the worst bowl cuts of all time. Bad enough that she got uninvited from a few birthday parties and had to switch schools. When I later told my parents I wanted to become a garbageman, they checked the trash to see if I’d stuffed my sister in there, but I only did that to her American dolls. We were classy, we weren’t a barbie family.

If you’re bold enough to show someone a video on your cracked iPhone, just know that we’re not paying attention to the video. We’re judging you for every crack on the phone, and the more cracks there are, the more spiraled we think your life is at the moment. A cracked iPhone is still better than an Android though. In the end, the only thing that matters is blue text bubbles in the text thread.

-Wack Crowens