Mar 1, 2021

I’m waiting for my “23 and Me” results

to confirm that I’m 80% average white guy and 20% mayonnaise. Worth the $99.00. Use promo code “Crow” at 23andme.com to be notified that your code was not recognized by the system.

Elevator Out of Order

I was alone in a first-floor elevator the other day when a 5’9” guy came in playing a couples counseling podcast on his phone with no headphones in. The host of the podcast said in a reverend’s tone “You need to anticipate your spouse’s needs and act on those intuitions.” The guy nodded and said “mhmm”, and I gave him a “bro, put your headphones in” glare.

I listened to 30 more uninspiring seconds of this podcast on our way upstairs before two 6’5″+ guys in trenchcoats got in the elevator on the fifth floor. The podcast guy immediately paused the audio when they entered. I stared at podcast guy, gave him a wtf headshake, and left at my seventh floor stop. Did he think I needed this advice? Was he intimidated by the tall guys? Or was it the untucked short-sleeve button down I had on that gave off a talk to me about your relationship because I am clearly not in one vibe?

Later that day, I was on a WebEx conference call with a bunch of people all over the world (weird WebEx flex but okay). The host asked everyone to mute their phones, and three minutes in someone in Dubai started yammering on about god knows what and the host said in an impatient British accent “just a reminder to everyone to please mute your phone. Moving on to our quarter 2 figures…” things got quiet but within two minutes the yammering started again and the British guy went off with “Mute your phones, mute your bloody phones. Dubai, for the love of Kate Middleton mute your goddamn phones.” It felt just like a barbecue at your uncle’s house when the cousins who suck start ruining his grill time.

Chief Ken Hotate

In the Native American world, Chief Standing Bear is much cooler than Chief Executive Officer. Chief Executive Officer is considered the leader of the most boring of all Indian tribes, and is always volunteered to handle sketchy business transactions involving with the white man.

Allbirds

My mom thinks my Allbirds shoes are weak, feminine, and the type of plant-based millennial innovation making today’s men soft. I told her it was made of birds, but she didn’t believe me. I found it all a little harsh, until I was driving through her neighborhood and noticed that the woman in her hood who walks her dog without a leash also wears Allbirds. She refers to this woman, who is probably 42, as the “lady who leaves her bags of dogshit in our recycling bin.” Having lived with her in 2018, I agree with this county crime theory and know it’s proof that its not just West Baltimore that’s full of shit.

Checking In On Jack’s Game

Baltimore really only has four or five rats, they’re just always outside. One of my favorite parts of living in Bmore is my encounters with older women. I was in the waiting room at the doctor’s office near an older mother-daughter combo, and the older women asked if I had tried the office’s new Oasis water filter. She was scared to try it, so I volunteered and announced to the room that it was high-quality H2O. We all started doing shots of water and she introduced herself as Corinna Lynn. When her husband came out and saw us partying, he said “Did you get his phone number too? He gonna press charges if you keep doing that frisky stranger talk.” I didn’t know what to say, so I said “Corinna is my girl.” A quick glimpse at her medical file showed that he’s an 80-year-old, possibly former crackhead, but I’m her side dude now.

Sports!

NFL training camps are in full gear, and somewhere Jon Gruden is yelling at HBO sound guys and telling Lieb Schreiber to try a few plays at fullback. “You’ll love blocking for this new Alabama running back, man. Josh Jacobs, man, he’s a downhill runner. Comes through the B gap like a Jamaican bobsled in a wind tunnel.”

Jokes In Progress

I watched some of the Netflix documentary “The Great Hack” on Cambridge Analytica, Facebook, Brexit, the 2016 election, etc. It more or less became the same as the Fyre Fest doc and it was clear that Netflix does the exact same thing to develop curated content. A Cambridge Analytica staff member mentioned that their propaganda tactics were considered a “weaponized communication” method. The only real “weaponized communication” I know is the phrase “don’t be a pussy.” Like when someone offers you a shot of tequila, you say no, and that same person says don’t be a pussy and you do the shot. Then they ask you to venmo them $13.00 cause that shot was expensive, so you pay the venmo and go throw up in some abandoned glass in the bar. It keeps me young to know peer pressure never dies. Please don’t offer me tequila though, I’m ready to start being a pussy.

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Until next week,

-Wack Crowens