CLEVELAND, OH – Knee deep in Labor Day mock drafting ahead of his Tuesday fantasy football draft, 33-year-old Cleveland man Jeff Jeffson was seen adding breakfast items on a pre-draft rankings big board Monday morning.
“You gotta go eggs early,” said Jeffson, “you need strength at eggs if you want to make a postseason run.”
Jeffson scribbled the below Power Rankings on a napkin and wandered through his living room muttering names to himself and internally dileberating:
- Round 1
- Bacon, Egg & Cheese
- Avocado Toast
- Omelette
- Pancakes
- Sausage
- French Toast
- Waffles
- Cereal
- Hashbrowns
- Chicken & Waffles
- Round 2
- Fruit Cups
- Banana Bread
- Yogurt
- Peach Cobbler
- Oatmeal
- Shredded Wheat
- Home Fries
- Pop Tart
- Toaster Strudel
These rankings brought to you by your local Denny’s and the delicious Grand Slam breakfast deal, still only $5.99 in most states despite inflation.
Different cereal and egg types could really be their own draft, a point which Jeffson agreed will cause a revisit on Tuesday morning as he overthinks the disparaty-filled fantasy rankings across each fantasy platform. Why is there no consensus on Joe Mixon, fantasy analysts? Who are we to trust? This is 6 months of tinkering I’m about to spend on these guys, they gotta come through!
With limited brain power following 3-day weekend adult beverage consumption, Jeffson stared into his pantry at a box of poptarts.
“Can probably get pop tarts in the third,” he said as he checked the expiration date. February 2024, already toast.
From the living room, Jeff heard his wife Mindy picking up on his latest self-entertainment. “Who are you talking to in there?”
“The pop tarts,” said Jeff.
“Who?”
“Our pop tarts, the cinnamon sugar. They’re expired. And we only have one egg what the hell Mindy.”
Mindy posed the idea to get new pop tarts at the nearby Chuppa’s Market Place. Excited at the prospect of seeing a full draft board of grocery store items, Jeffson lept to his feet. It was his first trip to Chuppa’s since the Fourth of July.
He spun the tires on their grey Toyota Sienna and mulled over his plans for the store. Amon Ra St. Cinnamon Brown Sugar Pop Tarts or Amon Ra St. Brown Large Eggs? A dozen cage McCaffrey eggs. George Kittle Cakes. A cereal offshoot called Pacheco’s. Pancake Nacuas. Endless options.
Jeffson spent over $250 dollars at Chuppas.
Jeffson received a D+ from Yahoo for his draft grade this year.
Comedy is a sport for the mentally ill. How’s everyone’s therapist You think you can make it to every mic in town?
-Wack Crowens