You learn a lot about yourself when you’re taking a left on green
If you’re like me, you pass up a lot of great opportunities before making a really bad decision.
As a pedestrian, when you’ve got the white man telling you it’s okay to cross but you’re making eye contact with some driver in an Audi Quattro SUV who really wants to take that left, and he’s trying to alpha you with a “you don’t need this left turn as much as me, pal. you walker, you waking son of a bee sting with your blue shirt, you fucking blue shirt guy” – you gotta stand your ground.
Drivers are powerless in the eyes of the law, full of traffic rage, and completely underwhelmed by the sports podcast they are listening to. They want to hit you, but they’ve wanted to hit every car on the way in. There not mad at you as much as their mad at the podcast’s steady decline since 2020.
If you’re a biker, you are on your own. No one is lower on the socioeconomic ladder in the traffic heirarchy than a city biker. Enraged drivers will send a citi biker to infinity and beyond as the biker is giving them the finger. Everyone’s nearly lost a toe to an aggressive biker. You’re akin to the Doordash electric biker, the human equivalent to a rat with a job.
Jason Da God has the evidence:
Groucho Marx
One person who knew a thing or two about taking a left-hand turn was Groucho Marx. Some of his best one-liners and more, ranked!
- I refuse to join any club that will have me as a member
- I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that
- Whatever it is, I’m against it
- If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you
- Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
I particularly like “whatever it is, I’m against it” as a quick argument ender and “those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… I have others.” If you find yourself in the unenviable position of explaining why you did something dumb, turn to Marx. Not Karl, Harpo, or Chico – but Groucho.
Chicken Bowls
One of my favorite ways to let everyone in the room know that you’ve been doing the green is to show up with a box of Royal Farms chicken. It’s the quickest place to get chicken, eye drops, and a horribly delightful conversation with your friend’s mom. It’s also difficult to eat when sober unless you’re a local Raven getting endorsement money or some other paid spokesperson.
When I was in college, I showed up late to a series of presentations qu-white high carrying a box of chicken (Sam’s, a local gas station favorite). I had a presentation on the space race, but I forgot to email myself the PowerPoint so I went on a 10-minute rant about why the N64 version of Super Smash Brothers was better than subsequent versions. I hammered home the point that “the donkey punch hits different on N64” over 7 times. I got a C+ and my meathead friend donkey punched me in the shoulder when I got back to my seat because I didn’t let him have my drumstick.
Sleepwalker Sleeps Tonight
I’m a sleepwalker. Sleepwalking when you’re a kid is somewhat normal, but as an adult its just a really bad way to get your steps in. Your FitBit will have you think you got a productive night sleep, but in reality those steps were to the bathtub where you passed out fully clothed minus one shoe.
Bird Jokes
If you encounter a swearing tree, that’s not foul-mouthed foliage. Its more likely to be a parrot who escaped their disgruntled worker’s home and is spending their days impressing their bird friends with their knowledge of English curse words. Many a parrot’s favorite insult, “you pigeon,” is catching on with both hockey players and robins.
Songs That Hit too Hard
Do you ever hear a song and let it dictate the course of your life for the next three years? Like you hear Arms Wide Open by Creed and join one of those warehouse churches so you can get closer to joining a Christian Rock Band? Or you hear Counting Crows “Hangin Around” and realize you never left your hometown? That you’d been bummin around for too long so you get a uHaul and say whatever, lets pack up and move to New York and become a citi biker?
Or you make it through any 12-minute Phish song and realize its time for you to become an uncontrollable disappointment to every authority figure in your life. Its time for me to take the wack crowens experiment and twist the knife a bit here. Lets get a little spiral out of control going!
In the end, you hear a bad song but can’t handle the guilt of not helping the artist so you fast forward to the last 5 seconds to get them another play. That’s how the old iPod Nano era worked. You walk around the rest of the day being like, “I helped someone eat today,” I helped Cage the Elephant escape their cage. That fraction of a penny probably went to big music, a spotify administrative person, or maybe even the door dash e-biker who forgot to tape your salad container and now there’s cucumbers all over the bottom of the bag.
Until next time.
-Wack Crowens