Monday Medication: Cheese Sandwiches & Doctor Spacemen

Doctor’s can’t like their patients self medicating. Like this interaction with Dr. Leo Spaceman, my Dermatologist, on a Monday afternoon:

Dr: Any over the counter medicine you’re taking?

Me: Just a face cream I found on Amazon

Dr: Oh you’re using a cream from Amazon? Good reviews? Jeff Bezos best selling face cream?

Me: Yes.

Then you remember some supplements you’re taking, but you don’t think he has to know. He starts writing things down and in the silence you blurt out:

Me: And some hair pills from Nutrafol.

Dr: And, remind me, Hack, are we using alcohol or any other substances?

Me: Oh yeah. Definitely.

– Dr. Leo Spaceman Dermatology, Cobble Hill NY 11231

I like to let the doctor know whose on their team here. Doc’s gonna be working hand-in-hand with drugs and alcohol going forward, he should get to know their teammates before he writes a prescription. It’s not like the last time you got prescribed antibiotics you didn’t immediately google “Amoxicillin and drinking 7 beers.”

So Spaceman wrote me a script for a sulfur cleanser, which was more strawberry-kiwi flavored than the mercurial fart cloud I expected.

It’s been a life changer, so much that I’m eating cheese again. Mozzarella sticks I once choked on at Applebee’s are back. It’s still stretchy when you pull it out of your throat. I ate the swiss on a Roast beef and Turkey Sub. I had spinach artichoke and crab dip at the Super Bowl party. And a slice of pizza. Entire steak. 8 chicken wings.

I’m overdoing this new found lactose freedom and the cycle of food allergies continues. Gall bladder removal surgery by 35 is imminent.

Forks in the Road

When you come to a fork in the road, pray to Forko, the god of forks.

Robert Frost said to take the road less traveled and Yogi Berra said when you come to a fork in the road, take it. Times were simpler in the early 20th century for Berra and Frost.

Taking the wrong fork can change your life. You ever bail on a promotion to take a job in the city where you live in a closet and they email you from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.? Its exhilarating. It’s a lot on your body. It makes you head to doctor Spacemen for your recent eczema flare ups but you’re grabbing life by the horns, buying a suit from the man, getting coffee everyday, every hour, going for runs. You are a runner and a track star! You’re running fast running away from that regret, aren’t ya you little speedster.

That’s why you need forko to guide you through these forks of life. You’ve heard of the silver spoon, but forko has the silver fork. Forko says things like:

“Believing in your choice is the quickest course to a breakthrough. Work your choice and more forks will follow.”

Forko believes there are many forks on the road to greatness. He’s so wise.

What’s the Difference?

Why is drinking a Michelob Ultra like having sex in a canoe? Its fucking close to water.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean? I’ve never had a garbonzo bean on my face.

What’s the difference between my wife’s arguments and a sword? The sword has a point.

What’s the difference between George Santos and the Chinese Spy Balloon? The spy balloon is full of hot air and secrets. George Santos is full of shit.

Food of the Weekend

Speaking of forks, we got some good eats in this weekend courtesy of Jersey Mike’s, free lobster, and Le French Tart Deli – a wonderful gem in Carroll Gardens with a top notch croissant smell.

They were all delicious. The awards for each:

Hardest Earned: Jersey Mike’s sub – I biked to Prospect Park with a deep hangover to eat that sandwich. Turned out to be a solid cure.

Most Spontaneous: Lobster Roll – Friend received two lobsters as a client gift. Time was imminent, the claws were chomping. No brainer.

Best Recipe: Steak Tortellini

Steak marinade: thyme, lemon juice, garlic, ginger, olive oil, apple cider vinegar, salt, pepper – 24 hours. Cook with sauteed onions in a pan.

Tortellini: 5 minutes in boiling water. Olive oil, salt, pepper. Sauce: sauteed tomato, leeks, garlic

It was beautiful.

-Hack Jowens

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