Thursday Thoughts: Bubba’s Milks and Self Haircuts

My favorite scene in Forrest Gump is when Bubba lists different types of shrimp. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That – that’s about it.

Bubba’s family would probably sell milks these days. You got almond, oat, cashew, cow’s milk, coconut. They could still invest in that fruit company.

Do you ever leave your credit card at a bar because you know you have subscriptions ending and you don’t think you’ll remember to cancel them yourself, so you just cancel your card and let the subscriptions try to charge you and watch them fail?

But some of these subscriptions break through the canceled card barrier now. They know my new card as if they stole my last one. Sure, maybe I added my routing and account number to Paramount+. As if the CBS corporation doesn’t know enough about by drowning me in football, college sports, 60 minutes, and Young Sheldon my entire life.

This is a traumatizing fate for the credit card trauma I created for myself. I did it for the points – a helpful affirmation when you need to explain away all your budgeting problems

Checking in on Hack’s Game

A girl approached me on Monday with a clipboard asking if I loved animals, so I said yeah I’m into animals. Then she gave me a spiel about poachers killing off elephants over the next 20 years, and I wasn’t listening but said “If you let me take you to dinner, I will sign your petition.” To which she said “I’m only into guys with tusks and huge trunks.” It wasn’t a yes, and I’m now she’s got my brand new credit card info and I’m donating $10.00 a month to African elephants.

I got her name and email though team. The name on the card says elephant girl, and the email address is a [email protected]    

There’s like a triple E in the web address, she’s got my past three emails auto-replied to that it may take one to two business days to respond.

Canceling LinkedIn

If you lie on your resume, its a pretty bad pillow. They give you a softer cushion to land on in jail than they do in corporate America. Boss says “Last guy quit, couldn’t take it anymore. Turned in his two weeks notice with a letter from his shrink saying it was this or he jumps off the 5th floor. Think he works at that hummus food truck outside now.”

I once had an office job track my performance by measuring the time between clicks. They called this space “idle time”, so I’d aimlessly click between work and mock fantasy football drafts. Tie it to an oscillating fan and let it wander. It was the one time a 9 minute snooze was perfect. Hungover or covid-riddled working at home from your bed during the pandemic – use that 9 minute snooze. You will keep your Work Message chat green, your screensaver off and most folks off your case.

They don’t teach you this kinda stuff in business school.

Tennis Haircut

I needed a haircut for my new job, so I went on Sunday during Djokovic and Nadal Tennis Final. If you try to watch tennis during a haircut, your barber will think you have a nervous tick and you’ll lool like Will Byers Stranger Things Bowl Cut.

I like the adrenaline rush of cutting my own hair. It’s one of my favorite reckless activities. It mostly stems from seeing all the money lost on subscriptions, checking the bank account, and thinking “you know what would save me from this money situation? Is cutting my own hair.”

Who does Hack’s old man version look the most like:

A.) Sam Elliot

B.) Michael Caine

C.) Woody Harrelson

D.) Sam Waterston

E.) Bob Barker

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