Fumble Friday: One Liners and Couch Sales

You guys want some one liners?

meet me in the bathroom after the set we will cut up some one liners.

Anyone Can Cook

My friend’s niece wanted to watch the movie where the rat cooks spaghetti. So I put on Goodfellas. She loved it.

Pope Francis said this week that he doesn’t like adjectives for Christians, like authentic Christian or insane street-corner bible reciter. Wouldn’t the bible be a weird book without adjectives? Instead of the three wise men, it would just be the three men. When they’re ready to name Jesus the savior, they’d be like “Hey, Mary, were the three men here to take your baby away.” Sounds pretty catholic actually. Moses getting the commandments from a regular bush instead of a burning one, I’m not believing that one you guys.

Art Jokes

I was in DC this past weekend and saw this edgy new painter, George W. Bush. Have you all heard of him? He does portraits of celebrities and politicians. If famous people were flowers, George Bush would be a regular Georgia O’Queef. 

Couch Sales
I’m back in the online couch market. I once tried to sell a matching red couch and loveseat on Craig’s List. The couch was $100 and the loveseat was $80. They both sat for three weeks before Denice (deeNICE) from Glen Burnie wanted to see the loveseat. Now this loveseat had a few love stains, but at first glance, she admired the red upholstery. “This is nice,” she said. Then she saw the stains. “What you been doin on this couch?” she asked matter of factly. 
“You wanna do it for $60?” I proposed.
“$40” she countered. 
I strapped that thing to the roof of her Honda Element, you’ve got a deal Denice.

Jokes in Progress
Some of the business owners who built vape stores must have been watching Field of Dreams and had one of those businessperson epiphanies after the “If you build it, they will come” mantra that leads Kevin Costner to build a baseball field. Costner would name his failing Vape business Field of Teens and head to Mexico after he hooks up with the mom of one of his customers. 

Wrapping Up
Feel free to come after me for this one and its missing punch lines, or leave a comment here or at comedycrow.com. Please forward and tell a friend!

-Wack Crowens

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