Some people are like slinkies…
They don’t really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. – Jack Handey.
Some people are also like Christopher Columbus. They show up to a place full of other people and claim to have discovered it. What do central florida beach partyers and Columbus have in common? They were late to the party and all they brought was a once in a generation disease.
I’d like to partake in a guided meditation app that takes unexpected turns.
Guide: *soft, meditative voice* lets start by finding a comfortable seating position. Find a chair, a bed, or your significant other’s face.
Guide: Now let’s take a round of deep breaths. In through the nose… and out through the mouth. Filling our lungs like a balloon and emptying them like you emptied your trust fund in your early 20’s.
Guide: Next, imagine that chickens are the size of giraffes. Would Chik-Fil-A finally open on Sundays? Would Rooster’s save their morning cackaw for something more useful, like to notify me of an upcoming zoom meeting?
Me: fuck, I’m missing that zoom meeting
Boomers are a pretty fearless generation. They fought through Vietnam, the Civil Rights movement, and survived the dot com bubble. But they are terrified of strong currents at the beach. The only thing boomers are more afraid of than COVID is riptides.
Potato chips, potato chips
When I’m being forced to watch a TV show I don’t like, I make sure to bring an entire bag of chips. You can’t hear anything when you’re munching on chips. Even if the person who put on the show asks if they should turn it up, you would have no idea. You enter a trance-like state with chips where you eat without thinking, missing your mouth and spilling crumbs and dip all over the floor while changing the dialogue on the screen to something more chip-oriented. “Are you baked or kettle cooked?” a tv show person might say in this trance, “cause you look hot and crispy.”
Then the bag of chips ends and you hear real dialogue on the Bravo channel so cringeworthy you can only toss the empty bag over your head, pull it tight, and suffocate yourself in plastic, canola and sunflower seed oil to avoid hearing Ramona talk to Sonja about all the Rose they drank in Newport, RI.
My landlord shifted from gaslighting me into thinking its rude to ask for repairs to our broken house to telling us he’s selling the place in September.
Its a confusing world out there. Add to that confusion by visiting the blog at http://comedycrow.com/.
Thanks for reading. See you in a few weeks.